2018: The Next Leg of the Journey

Happy 2018 to everyone out there! I hope you are somewhere warm and happy!

 Emersyn and I at my parent's for Christmas

Here at the Elder house it is cozy and warm, filled with love and laughter. Cliche? Sounds like it, but don't be fooled. My husband just finished a 16 hour semester and it was a long one. This break was a much needed break for everyone, the babies included. During the semester, I took a trip to Chicago and met the coolest women in person, and they were even better then imagined. Where during his first week of the semester, my husband was left to fend with both kids-one still waking 5 times a night to nurse. We also celebrated Luca's 1st birthday, The Down Syndrome Festival, Emersyn's 4th birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, our 5th wedding anniversary, and Christmas. It was busy, exciting, and very exhausting!

Emersyn and her daddy playing

Something else that happened here was Emersyn. Emersyn is HAPPENING right now. This girl is taking off. Soaring in fact. More on that in a bit...

My husband and I have agreed that those first years with your child with Down syndrome, are a roller coaster of doctors. A checklist. Crossing things out that could potentially be wrong. Circling things that are in fact happening with your baby/toddler. I hope I'm not jinxing it when I say, I think I can put down the list for a while. Stop being the doctor/medical researcher Mom, and move on to being the educator/therapist Mom. This is exciting stuff, especially considering we live so far away from basically everything.

Emersyn working on drinking out of an open cup and doing awesome!

We have been hard at work on productive play, appropriate behavior, understanding right and wrong, basic daily tasks, potty training, and above all speech and comprehension. During that time I have noticed several things. The first is that Emersyn is a master at testing a person's patience and getting her way, all while being the cutest little sour patch kid that leaves your head spinning. You will be left wondering for hours, did she just work you over big time?

Because I can' t not post a picture of my handsome boy Luca!

Example: Over the course of this Christmas break Emersyn has developed a pretty nasty habit of getting up in the night. I'm always greeted with a "Hi" or "Mommy" in the sweetest of voices. After I acknowledge her (because until I say what-she will continue with "mommy Mom ma mommy") she follows with a scrunch of her nose and a giggle like we're both breaking the rules together. She promptly tells me she needs to go potty; Yes with sign AND verbally. She goes #1 and #2, and all I can do is tell her how awesome she is! Following that we go straight to the living room and cuddle each other followed by sleeping, 75% of the time. Now here is the kicker, Sometimes its only for #1. Which tells me she is fully capable of being 100% potty trained and she is absolutely working me over. All while, getting to sleep and snuggle with me or her daddy half of every night!

Building her Poppy at build a bear.

This leaves me to her new-found-master-manipulating-I-can-control-everyone tool.....her VOICE.

How exciting it is to hear her respond "Kay" when I tell her "be a good girl for Grammy okay?"

How annoying it is that for both family Christmas's she would see me while playing and point to me saying "NO!" or "DONT!" Because, as we all know, mom's aren't that cool.

How scary it is to hear "Osh!" directly after I say "Oh Gosh".....lets hope that my language problem improves as well....

How adorable it is to hear her say "Buddy buddy!" When she sees her brother for the first time every morning.

Or one of my personal favorites that prompted this blog post-When putting Trolls on for probably the MILLIONTH time-I get a big thumbs up with a giant "YES!" not ES! I looked at Jacob and said she said YES with a Y! I must share with the world!

 Four months ago there was no "Yes", no "mommy", and so many others! This is all from the collaboration of everything we have worked so hard on checking off of our list, the team of doctors we have, two parents with an enthusiasm for what some call music therapy(where we only thought we were silly adults who pretend to be John Legend and Adele behind closed doors), an incredible physical therapist who has taught me about not only the body and how it works, but also parenthood and our new found incredible speech therapist (who doesn't know this, but I was praying for her arrival in to Emersyn's World for at least a year.)

I have some mommy intuition happening here, and it is telling me it's going to be a big year for Emersyn. I see this magic in her growing, her ability to convince me at 3 a.m. to cheer for her and just be happy with whatever that moment brings. Her ability to refuse almost everything I've so lovingly prepared for her all day with the cutest little "nooo" that scrunches up her nose that leaves me smiling and saying "okay" like one of her minions. Her ability to bring us together with a family hug. She really demands that daddy, mommy, Emersyn, and Luca all hug at once on most days. Truly, our own little Poppy calling out "HUG TIME!" in her own little magical Emersyn way.

I'm embracing this leg of the journey for our family, a journey I really never in a million years could have anticipated. I wouldn't have chosen it at first offer, but now looking into my own heart and soul, and discussing what having a personal relationship with Emersyn has provided to the few of those who really know her and what she is about, I am absolutely thrilled to see what self improvements and insights she will provide to me and those around her. Its so interesting, metaphorically speaking,  how she has provided a rose color tint to everything around us while ironically and simultaneously removing it in so many ways. Just another one of her amazing gifts. I sure hope you have your own little Poppy somewhere in your world-we could all use more HUG TIME!

Love and Hugs from Emersyn's World!

GOD GAVE YOU THIS MOUNTAIN TO PROVE IT CAN BE MOVED

I'm sitting in my bedroom trying to find ways to think of something else, trying to find ways not to cry, trying to find ways to pull it together not only for my family, but for myself.

 Since May, I have done nothing but worry and struggle about Emersyn and her future in education. Since May, I have hardly slept-not only because my one year old wants to nurse every two hours throughout the night, but during those windows he allows me to sleep my mind wont stop worrying and thinking about what I should say to help my daughter and family create the BEST environment for her to learn and grow as a human.

In May, we had a meeting with the school. Initially, I thought it went well. But upon further inner play back I realized the special ed program was never going to be enough. I realized the special education director was living in a world where people with Down syndrome only existed.

"This is a speaking society."
 These are the words spoken to my husband and I while discussing how the school planned to communicate with our daughter since her primary source of communication was ASL.

If you have ever, and I mean EVER, been in my family's circle-you will know that I have worked myself into a crazy person trying to get Emersyn to "speak." I finally gave in to what the therapists suggested and started to work on sign language ON TOP of getting her to speak. When I played these words "This is a speaking society" over and over and over in my head, it felt more like a punch to the gut, no, a punch to my very core of motherhood.

"My husband has a niece with DS, and she signs a little and speaks a little and that's just kind of how it is."

Also words spoken to me about the expectations we should have for Emersyn's future in communication, spoken by the special education director who we are supposed to trust with Emersyn's education.

Heartbreaking doesn't even cover the emotions I felt. Anger doesn't even cover it. Hopeless is a pretty good word I feel right now. Hopeless. Yes. That is the word I feel. Defeated.

So here we are Down syndrome awareness month. I cant think of a single thing to post. I cant think of a single positive word to say right now. My heart is so heavy with disappointment. Not only in the words spoken to us regarding my THREE YEAR OLD'S FUTURE, but also in myself. I gave up. I pulled out. All my years of trying to advocate for awareness and the one person who would be holding everyone accountable to really dig in and educate Emersyn to her fullest potential, doesn't believe there is potential there. Doesn't believe there is an opportunity to change the way people think of Down syndrome. All those words I spoke and typed trying to change people's hearts and perspectives and hoping that once Emersyn entered the school system, people would know she is amazing and yes there is lots of  work to do-but if we all work together there would be amazing results. Results that could change the world. Change Emersyn's World. But no.

 I failed completely.

 I saw a friend post an image that said "God gave you this mountain to prove it can be moved." I just never know if I am moving it or not. But I am trying to my heart and soul's best ability. I hope I am not letting my Down syndrome community down every day. I want to make them proud that I am a part of it so so badly.

Should I have fought more? Maybe. I found out really quickly that if I was to fight more, I might end up needing to take stock in wine. And I might end up becoming a bad mom, wife, friend, sister and daughter. I found myself sad, I found myself speaking all too passionately at dinner time to the point that my children were only seeing me sad or upset.

I'm sitting here typing this blog, while my amazing husband skipped a class and took my kids outside to play, because I'm so upset I break into random fits of tears, and I just cant think of anything else but what I'm typing. While everyone around me is celebrating the enormous improvements coming to our school, I am mourning the small mindedness of the special education department.

Is this world only willing to embrace you under the circumstances that you must always remain pleased and positive with everything you get? Even if you know it is never going to be enough?

Typical parents: what if upon your child's first day of preschool their educator told you that they knew someone who looked like your child was only able to graduate high school with a C average and couldn't attend college and that was kind of how it is-in regards to what you should expect of your child's life-would you leave them with that person?

That is how I felt. If I leave my child under this person's direction-I would be letting someone with the most negative ideas of my daughter influence her life. We are already behind everyone else, working five times as hard as everyone else, so why WHY would I let someone put us even further behind? Why would I let all of my family's hard work be lost?

My husband says people may mistake my passion for arrogance and if that is your idea of me-I apologize. I have no intention of giving the idea that I think I am better then anyone. I am so scared that I won't be able to do Emersyn justice for what she is capable of, I refuse to leave any stones unturned. Im scared. So I work. So I research. So I speak out.

My husband says that in all of my posts to try to create awareness and advocate for Emersyn and Down syndrome, I may have scared people away. I can see that now. It is hard when you don't understand, and don't know what to say. I beg you to ask me any questions you may have, and I will do my best not to be harsh or expect you to know what the best words are to say, as long as you can try to see that while I would never change Emersyn and her extra chromosome-it does not mean that a lifetime of specialist appointments, increased health risks, and being worried about what happens to her after I am gone, is not extremely hard on this momma. It can get lonely having to be so passionate all the time. I don't by any means think I am a perfect mom, and trust me, anytime I have the chance to make myself feel guilty about not being enough for my kids- I am taking it. Even when I know I am wrong for doing it.

When I am feeling my lowest and most concerned if I am making the right choices for her-
I imagine Jesus weeping in the garden. Having to make these WORLD changing decisions. While everyone around him thought he was absolutely crazy-he knew it was right. While even his followers weren't supporting him-he had the ability to forgive them. He had the ability to love them so much, he still gave his life for them.  Sheesh-thats some perspective for you right? This thought process doesn't make me feel better but it makes me feel a little less alone and little more confident in my decisions.

I hate being this negative person. HATE IT. If you know me, and I mean ME:the me before motherhood. You would know I am silly, I love to dance and sing and make jokes. I want to eat all the foods. I want to learn about other people. I want to go to parties. I want to celebrate people. I want to celebrate people's kids. I want to drink wine with girlfriends and talk about nothing but bad TV, and what wine is our favorite. I want to be a 30 year old woman, wife, and mom. But now I have painted this image of myself that I am incapable of these things to others. But I am!

If you are thinking, why did her husband tell her these things, its because I asked him to. Why babe? Why are people afraid of me? Why don't I get invited? Why do they message me with their darkest problems on their darkest days-but not invite me to celebrate in the happy days?

For those of you who have stayed in touch with me throughout this journey-Thank you. For those of you who have genuinely asked me how I am doing and what is going on and listened when I whined and wined-Thank you. I know it isn't easy. I hope I can pay you back one day. I hope I have my crap so together my love tank can just make it rain on you constantly. That is my goal. That one day-I will be the one going around supporting everyone else, and I will be the one on the hunt for more people to help. Right now, at this point in my journey-I am doing the best that I can to support my family and just keep myself strong enough for tomorrow. If you see me out, and I look like I have all my shit together-I really don't. I really have a thousand things going through my mind on how I should have done this or need to do that.

If you could, I would love all the prayers you can muster.

For me to have the strength and confidence in my choices.

For my husband to continue to see the light that shines in me, even if it is dim, that he loves so much.

For Emersyn to get all that she deserves.

For Luca to always know, that even though it seems like I put so much more work and worry into Emersyn's life: I feel equally as passionate about his life's outcome.

For my friends to know, even when I disappear into my hole, that I love them and want to be there.

For my family to know, that I am sorry it is so heavy right now but I am so thankful for all the support, even when it seems like I'm not.

That tomorrow when we go have Emersyn's sedated hearing test-that we get good results and I can just close this chapter of worrying about hearing loss. And should we get bad results, that we have the ability to have a solution.

I believe Emersyn has huge things in her future. You know what else? I believe I do too. Everyone is a work in progress.

I am so afraid to share this, but I'm going to. I guess this is my Down syndrome awareness month post. 

If this post is sporadic and all over the place, all I can say is, welcome to my brain! Hope you can make sense of the madness.

Sending Love to all of our followers. All of the eyes reading this. I so want you to know-I appreciate you.

Signs you are a mom to two

As most of you know our little family just grew by 1. By 7 pounds and 6 oz to be exact. I know-that doesn't seem like much. But.....if you are a mom to two, then you know that is a very big difference. Its the difference between going to the grocery store and feeling like the whole family can survive on hot pockets that were already in the freezer and pizza that your husband goes to pick up at the store.

So here is a list of things that might indicate that you are or once were a mom to a toddler and a newborn:

You get two showers in one day and feel totally spoiled. Then three days later you realize, that was the last time you took a shower.

You have the urge to punch a swing for not working correctly.

You need every kind of battery there is for all needed baby contraptions that might keep baby happy.

You find yourself stranded on the potty because you were nursing the most demanding baby and didnt want to unlatch, but didnt think about the potty exit.

You let your toddler destroy the house, as long as everyone is safe, fed, and has a clean diaper, you feel extremely successful.

When buying postpartum pants, you ask yourself above or below incision and or/new mom belly-which should be non existent at this point because between nursing the new baby every 1-2 hours and chasing the toddler you never get the chance to eat a proper meal. (unless Daddy is home of course)

When your son pees all over your bed at 3 a.m., you don't even care as long as he goes back to sleep and stays asleep for that massive 1.5 hour window you love and cherish so much.

Your toddler has a red hand during day's out because of your death grip on it.

You have those interestingly placed wet spots on your shirt, or are seen crossing your arms like its freezing outside when its 80 degrees outside because either A) you refuse to wear breastpads today because they are so uncomfortable. or B) you just forgot them because there is a thousand other things you have to pack for these two in diapers and your brain is turning into mush.

You thank God daily for microwaves and freezers.

You realize at about 5 p.m. this is the first time you have peed all day, and during days out you started considering getting depends because there is no possible way you could go to the bathroom with two kids.

Even though you don't have your brows on, and your shirt has leaked breastmilk and spit up on it, plus that dang new mom belly, when you are out and people see you with your two kids under 3, you assume they are jealous because you have so much love pouring out of you and them, and they are both just a dream come true for you in every way. While it is definitely one of the most challenging times of your life in more ways then one, it is also one of the best times of your life, and you know to cherish every tiny moment. Be it when your arms are full of two, when you are fighting off the toddler to help the new little guy get some real tummy time, when you are picking up the emptied wipe case for the third time in one day, or when your husband and you get to share a mere 20 quiet minutes drinking a beer and watching football together.

SO-it is certainly taking some adjusting to our new handsome boy Luca's arrival. But even though there have been a few(okay more then a few) times I have thought I am losing it-there have been a hundred more times I have been thankful and overwhelmed with all the love and blessings!

Getting run ruled in the first game of a double header

Hello friends! I am so sorry it has been so long since I have posted but I just have not felt any inspiration all summer. Until yesterday.

It has been a very long and very hot summer. Jacob got laid off in November, and we both decided we were too young not to pursue our goals, so he enrolled in school(which by the way-he has made all A's this summer semester) to hopefully have a better career one day to better provide for our little family of three. A few days after that I found out I was pregnant. I am 100% positive most people think we are absolutely crazy for continuing to pursue this dream, and maybe some days we think we are too. But with great sacrifice comes great reward, or so  I have been told...which that little statement reminds me once again that I am 33 weeks pregnant now. What a sacrifice it is, especially in these hot summer months.

This pregnancy has been an absolute dream in some ways compared to my first with Emersyn. When I was pregnant with her, it was complication after complication, and very stressful. The morning sickness, the short cervix, the gestational diabetes, the preterm labor, the IUGR, and her going into distress during said labor. Not to mention all the craziness that happened after she arrived. This time around I did have some seriously intense morning sickness, where I was prescribed medicine to take but during the thick of it, NOTHING helped. However, no short cervix, and no gestational diabetes. Which sort of makes me wonder-since a doctor told me that they really have no idea what a normal pregnancy looks like for me because sometimes when a mommy is pregnant with a baby that has a chromosome abnormality it can throw her pregnancy off. Well so far that seems to be the case. The craziest thing that has happened lately is just the 9 cavities all that sickness has caused me. Like I said-great sacrifice(my teeth) and great reward(handsome little baby boy!).

Now this is one of those moments that you think-God knows whats up. Because I really don't know if I could mentally trudge through all the craziness lately if I couldn't have that milkshake, cookie, or chocolate, or french fries, and well the list of carb rewards goes on and on.

You're probably thinking-its probably because she's pregnant with a toddler and her husband is going back to school is why she feels the need to reward herself with bad food that makes her teeth rot further, and get in trouble at the doctor for gaining 8 pounds in two weeks, and that is partially true. But the big reason is, the last couple of months, for lack of better words and bear with me here, Down syndrome has been kicking my waddling butt.

When you are a mommy or daddy to a child with Down syndrome, you have to have a balance of drive, optimism, and positivity with acceptance, and realistic expectations. Its a VERY fine line.  They both can make you lose your mind when you have bad days. Too far into the optimistic world and doctors and people look at you like you are crazy, so end up thinking to yourself "Am I crazy?" Too far into the world of acceptance and you start to feel like you aren't trying hard enough for your kid and are being a complacent mother.

Which brings me to this speech dilemma. Emersyn's speech has made zero progress in the last year. However, her oral muscle tone HAS improved so much, and her signing, comprehension, and communication has improved 100%. So-what is holding her back? It can't be her hearing because she dances when she hears music...but what if it is? Its very common in kids with DS to need tubes in their ears, so just to leave no stone unturned I had her hearing tested. Low and behold, both ears failed. We did a different test, and her right ear failed again. So, we made a trip to her PCP and got a referral to an ENT. It took two weeks for them to get with me and schedule an appointment that I had no control over when it was-which was a month away. I was a little devastated because in all my nesting-most of it involved getting Emersyn's health and development sorted out before little brother gets here-not the normal cleaning, organizing, and decorating that most mothers go through. To add to the drama of it, when I went to see about starting back up with the new speech therapist at the hospital, I found out insurance will not cover it if she has failed hearing tests-because if she can't hear, she can't talk.

During all these battles, I was also trying to find a dentist who would accept the only insurance option we have during this crazy-sacrificial-hurry-up-and-end-so-we-can-feel-like-we-made-the-right-choice time. The most recommended place told me they didn't, and when I asked for a recommendation for another, the receptionist said to call back in a month, that they might accept it then. So I did-and this different receptionist was taken aback that I would even call there, and that someone would even tell me they might accept that insurance. You could say she was my "favorite" person, especially with these hot, third trimester, momma bear pregnancy hormones surging through me. I did finally find a place-and Emersyn has an appointment during my 34th week of pregnancy.

Just to be clear you are all with me on how my mind is working-the closer we get to 35 weeks the more nervous I am about not getting everything taken care of. Because that is when I went into labor with Emersyn.

To add to the obstacles, we make a 45 min trek to physical therapy every two weeks-and insurance is now starting to say if you don't use the amount of therapies we give you in this certain allotted time, we will no longer provide that many visits in the future. They decide that now in my third trimester in August. When I am going to the dentist every other week, and the OB every other week, and trying to get her hearing sorted out. All at least 45 minutes away. Which of course turns into an all day ordeal with a toddler. Planning around meals and nap times is MADNESS. Adding in the fact that I normally need to pee every 20 minutes-yes, you guessed it, I am withholding fluids against my better judgement because there is no way to reach a bathroom sometimes. Current Mantra:I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Which brings me to yesterday. The day my "team" got obliterated.

The day we go to the ENT for some answers and action had finally come. We loaded up at 9:30 for our 1:00 appointment and headed out. We had a few drive through pit stops on the way there-and that put us arriving at the doctor just at 1. We go back to a little room where the audiologist looks in Emersyn's ears and sees wax, she leaves to ask the doctor if he wants to clean them out before she takes the test but he is with a patient and says to go ahead. During the test, it is abundantly clear that Emersyn is not hearing everything she should be. She takes a different test, and it is abundantly clear that she failed it as well. There is no vibration coming from her eardrum on the right side, and barely any on the left. She takes us back up front to the waiting area. We get called back again, and go into a different room, where we wait a while, then a PA comes in and examines Emersyn's ears, nose, and throat. Says she does have some wax and fluid in her tiny tiny ears, and makes mention of something I have never heard of and cant even explain about her throat, and she isn't sure if her palate is low toned. She leaves. The Doctor comes in, and examines her and repeats all the same things the PA said. Then he asks why we are there. We explain her lack of speech led to suspicion, which led to failed tests and TADA now we are here. He says he doesn't really want to do tubes because her ears are so small, and because of her heart defect he isn't sure about putting her to sleep. He asks when the last time we saw cardio was and what she says about anesthesia. We had never discussed it because we had no reason to until now. He also suggests a dentist because Emersyn's teeth look so bad. Then he says lets follow up in a month with another hearing test, and we will clean her ears out then, and until then, put mineral oil drops in her ears every couple of days. Jacob and I were so exhausted and overwhelmed-we just agreed thinking it was a good plan. I made an appointment with him for when I will be 38 WEEKS PREGNANT. Then we drove home.

NUTSHELL:
We were in the car for 6 hours.
We were at his office for 3 hours. 
She has failed 4 hearing tests at this point.
She has 1 word: Dad.
She will be 3 in October.
I am due in 6 weeks.
We had 0 interventions made to improve her hearing.

Yesterday, I was influenced to be in the world of being realistic.

Current thought process:
Does the fact that we have the lowly crappy insurance have anything to do with the fact that we were pushed aside?
If she were a "typical" kid with only one word, would there be more urgency to have an intervention?
Who is to say she wouldn't have more words, should there be an intervention done?I have seen her development change from night to day when she started her thyroid medicine(that I had to fight for) -So i know it is possible.
Is it because she has Down syndrome and people just assume-she is gonna be delayed, so who really cares how fast we move this process along?

So guess what? Today-despite having my team run ruled in the first game of this double header-I am putting on my gear, armor if you will, and I'm gonna go back out there and play as hard as I can. I'm going to call the doctor and advocate for my girl. I will do everything I can to speed this process along to some intervention-even if it is just a good ear cleaning-every little bit helps, because I know if NOTHING is done-then we aren't helping Emersyn hear, or have better speech. AND THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Today, I choose the world of optimism and drive.

You know why? Because even though I was emotional and exhausted-my two year old daughter has still been smiling, dancing, loving, well-behaved, and just an excellent little girl through it all. She deserves the sun, moon, and stars. And God picked me for her momma and I will do everything in my power to do that for her.

Thanks for listening friends. If you want to drop off some cookies I promise I will enjoy them. But I wont promise that after the 420+ miles, 12 hours in the car, 4 fast food meals, 1 therapy session, 1 blood draw on my girl, 1 OB appt, two doctor appointments for my girl, and 102 degree weather that I will have pants on. So consider that a warning !

Sending love to all Emersyn's friends, fans, family, and supporters. You are all so appreciated. 

World Down Syndrome Day 2016

Today is World Down Syndrome Day! A day to celebrate Emersyn and all her fellow Homies with extra Chromies.

It is always quite the day, and the build up is always pretty incredible. Its our third year and there does seem to be a theme happening with our little family on this day, and it reminds me a lot of becoming a parent, and what we decided the general theme with Emersyn was pretty early on- "Expect the Unexpected."

We had big plans today. We planned on taking Emersyn to the Zoo, and watching her eyes light up with all her knowledge and understanding of the animals, and signing to us with pride what the animals were. BUT. The weather had different plans. It was kinda chilly and really windy. Emersyn's tummy hasn't been in top form due to some teething issues, so we had to decide we shouldn't travel that far away just to feel cold and deal with uncomfortable diaper changes in the car.

Last year Emersyn had an extreme tummy bug that left us with little options as well.

Our very first World Down Syndrome Day, was our coming out of sorts. I decided to be brave, and put on some cool socks and take a picture of my girl with the biggest grin and say we were celebrating. We got an extreme amount of support, and I also got about 20 friend requests on facebook that day......which left me with a lot of questions. I ultimately decided regardless of people's motive to be my friend, that in the end Emersyn would teach them many things they didn't know (just like she taught me) and in the end Down syndrome would show her bright and shiny colors, that it is not something to fear, but to celebrate.

You are probably still wondering how do I think this day is like parenthood?

Well, for me, and for most new parents I think, you have all these really big grand plans about what parenthood will be like. I mean, I listen to people who don't have kids talk about what they will and will not do, and all their plans. I internally am grinning like a Cheshire cat thinking "Oh yes I am SO sure it will go right according to plan, you will definitely be organized, organic, and keep your beauty and health regime exactly the same-all while having that super baby that sleeps all night due to your amazing sleep training skills." Hey I guess it COULD happen to someone out there, I have never met them, but it could happen.

When Jacob and I became parents-we were forced into a much bigger world of responsibility and  decision making that there was just no way we could have prepared for it. I read pregnancy books, books about baby's first year, and breastfeeding books. Not one prepared us. Yes, we were scared. There were a few days we were terrified. You could never plan on talking about chemotherapy on day three of your child's life. You don't plan on therapy at 10 weeks old(as I sit here and see her very first assessment on the desk somehow). It was hard-thinking as a mom-that you are not enough for your baby. You need professionals to come in to tell you how to work with your precious baby to help her reach her milestones. You don't plan on people apologizing to you about your gorgeous baby girl, instead of congratulating you.

With all of those things in consideration, it is absolutely incredible to me that something else you could never plan on is all of it feeling completely natural to be Emersyn's mom. I had changed possibly three diapers before Emersyn came along, but I felt like it was what we were born to do. Changing that tiny 4 pound baby's diaper while maneuvering around cords and IV's. Breastfeeding came with all kinds of challenges, and while we didn't get it together til she was 12 weeks old, I knew we would in our own time. We certainly became pros at that, having the most amazing bonding experience while providing her with only the best. Everything about being her mommy and daddy felt completely natural to us, because she was a part of us from the moment we knew she was coming. It was like life started the moment we saw her. We didn't know hardly anything about Down syndrome, accept what society teaches you, which is it is something to be feared. We DID know our daughter. In the end, the feelings of not being enough completely disappeared, because I realized NOBODY knew Emersyn the way Jacob and I did. She took up all the space in our hearts-and the looks of trust and love she gave us right from the beginning told us that we took up all the space in her heart too.

This day wasn't grand like we hoped for-we went to the Cafe for lunch, and the mall for some necessities, and Lowe's for some house repair items. Even though it wasn't grand-we had a great time. When we woke up Emersyn got in bed with us and smothered us with love, and we did the same for her. When we went to all those places-we showed everyone how awesome Emersyn is(and how Down syndrome isn't scary). We told people about what today was-and why it was on March 21st. We ended it with dancing, snacking, and more kisses, snuggles, and hugs.

Parenthood is nothing like I planned it to be. I thank GOD every single day he threw a little extra in my gorgeous girl. The extra snuggles. The extra kisses. The extra laughs. The extra celebrations. They all make parenthood something I can only feel was my true destiny in this life. I am so thankful I have had her to teach me-and all those around her. When people tell us Emersyn is lucky to have us as parents, its hard not to tell them they are crazy because WE are the lucky ones to have her as a daughter!

"Is she talking yet?"

Ahhh, the simple question.

With a complicated answer.

I NEVER know how to respond. I dont get it asked ALL the time(whatever that means). I do get variations of the question.

I don't necessarily mind it. I just don't necessarily know what to respond with. I totally believe she IS talking. I mean what defines "talking" anyways? If you go to Germany do you not qualify the language German as talking just because you don't understand it? They obviously have every intention of communicating with you, and have meaning and purpose behind the sounds coming out, you just aren't in on their lingo. That is exactly how I feel about Emersyn. I need to learn her lingo. However, I cant really respond with that without sounding like some kind of nutty, deliriously positive Momma.

There have been plenty of times we have handed her a cup of juice and she responds with "talking" that we have determined is thank you. She wont learn the sign for "thank you" because every time we do it-her translation is blowing a kiss. Hey-Ill totally take it. Who wouldnt?

She has been saying "Dad" in context since Fathers Day. She has been saying the sound "da" for a very long time, but the two are very different in this particular situation.  So yes, Father's day. She gave her daddy the gift of title and acknowledgement on his big day. Did I cry with pride? Yes, I was so so proud of her. Did I also cry because I was so jealous? YES. I even moved away from the two of them on the couch so she would never be confused that by saying "Dad" that that was a way to get my attention, but in fact it caused the opposite affect. It may sound a little childish but....they're my shoes to wear. I will also add this in-this was not her first word. Her first word ever communicated was "more" by sign language. "Dad" was her first word vocalized.

Jacob and I both have been working on that evil close lipped "MMMM" sound since her birth. SINCE HER BIRTH! There was a split second that her OT and I heard her say "mama" clear as day when she was probably 6 months old. I have since determined we were both just hormonal women, who were hearing things we needed to hear. I cant stress enough that your mouth is made up of muscles, and that Emersyn has low muscle tone. It takes a lot more work to close those lips for that "MMM" sound then to make that "Da" sound. I mean, have you ever really thought about the process of making every sound in the alphabet and how complex these sounds are? Wow, talk about taking things for granted.

We have done speech therapy since last January. In August, we added an additional speech therapist to the mix. Both are absolutely amazing. Both work on opposite aspects of speech. We totally hit the jackpot. We've been asked since the beginning of therapies, 10 weeks old, if we sing nursery rhymes to her. UHHHH-sorta? We sing songs.....about everything. In our house, its a musical. The reason I add this in is because as I type this my husband is totally breaking out in opera style singing. He sounds amazing. Me---not so much. But that doesn't stop me! Poopy diaper? Song. Bath time? Song. Cooking meatloaf? Song. Folding clothes? Song. You get the picture. We are weirdos. Happy weirdos. But weirdos nonetheless. So we do EVERYTHING we can to get her to make new sounds and words, especially the "MMMM' sound.

Here comes the EPIC news. And before you get your hopes up she did not VOCALIZE Momma. However, SHE DID SIGN MOMMA!!!! SHE SAID MOMMA! SHE COMMUNICATED MOMMA! Cue the Carlton dance!!! She did it, she did it, she did it! That, my friends, is absolutely incredible! My heart is full tonight. One of my dreams have come true. It took two years to get here! It was totally worth the wait! Of course,it will be a whole other party when she vocalizes the word. Today, this way of TALKING was everything and more.

I will leave you with this. In this world, it seems to be everyone's focus on what is wrong. (I do it my fair share, but I try my hardest not to) Today, be positive. Be silly. Sing a song made up about nothing! BE DELIRIOUSLY POSITIVE! It might just rub off on, well, everyone!

 Emersyn's ready to help momma clean up and organize her closet! 

Maybe she doesn't match, but its Sunday afternoon! Who cares!

Welcome to Emersyn's World!

So here I am. I am finally doing it. Ive contemplated on whether or not I should share my story. Ive contemplated on whether or not our story was even worth telling. In the end, I realized I don't quite care how much others need or want to read my story. I need to tell this story, and have it documented somewhere. I recently shared my birth story(without filter)with a dear friend, and realized it was quite the journey.

So, I'm going to share my husband Jacob and I's amazing adventures with you. Forgive me for grammar errors-I am so used to auto correct at this point, it is absolutely ridiculous. 

 I hope in some ways, my story helps people. Ive been going over and over in my head who I can turn to for advice on certain medical aspects that led to certain emotional aspects, I really cant think of one person who has had a journey similar to mine in all of the ways I experienced pregnancy. Maybe in one way, but not all of them. Not even two of the ways!

I MIGHT even share some of my inner monologue on certain situations Ive encountered when dealing with people's comments concerning my daughter Emersyn having Trisomy 21. My inner monologue says everything that this sweet country girl just isn't allowed to say. You can never quite guess what someone is going to say about Emersyn or Down syndrome.

So welcome! Welcome to Emersyn's World! This world is a brighter one. Every moment, every smile, every milestone-was highlighted so much brighter!